Let’s talk about sex and your relationship

For the past one year, Tabitha has been facilitating a monthly forum called Decent Conversations.

These popular gatherings follow a certain script. She starts by welcoming the audience and then introducing her panel. She then reminds everyone in attendance of the one rule she insists on during the discussion: “Be open and don’t judge.”

The core conversations are made up of candid discussions on relationships, well-being and sexual reproductive health.

Tabitha, a journalism graduate who has also studied self-development courses, describes herself as a relationship coach whose aim is to help individuals get the healthy relationships they deserve by offering them emotional support, guidance and the relevant information needed to form a healthy relationship.

The forum, held at the Young Men’s Christian Association (YMCA), headquarters on State House Road in Nairobi, targets those below 40 years. She moderates with ease, giving the impression of someone who has been doing this for many years.

“I founded Decent Conversations in February 2017 after a friend commented that I make a good listener and conversationist. It took me a long time to gather courage to start this initiative, because my friend made this comment way back in 2013, five years before,” she explains.

She was mainly held back by the fear of what the society would think of her if she started moderating meetings where topics such as sex and ‘sponsors’ were discussed. I feared that those who did not know me would conclude that I was speaking from experience, if anything, growing up, it felt uncomfortable holding such discussions with my parents. I therefore shelved the idea.”

What happened the following year, in 2014, would later prompt her to change her mind. Tabitha found out that she was pregnant, much to the disappointment of her parents, church, and her then boyfriend.

“I had just graduated from Masinde Muliro University where I had been studying Journalism. I was only 23, and had planned to find a stable job and further my education before thinking of marriage, leave alone having a child. I was therefore devastated by the pregnancy.”

Tabitha describes her journey to motherhood as one of the most difficult experiences she has ever had. To begin with, she lacked the emotional support she really needed.

“I was doing everything myself because I was living alone – my laundry, cooking and other household chores. Even worse, I had no one to talk to, comfort or encourage me since my boyfriend lived in a different town and we were not in good terms. Eventually, things didn’t work out between us and we separated.”

“When I gave birth, to support my daughter and I, I would weave mats, which I sold. I also took up online writing jobs to complement my income. During this period, I got a couple of job offers related to my career, but since I didn’t have anyone to take care of my baby, I turned them all down,” she says, and adds,

“I was really going through a tough time, but in the midst of my turmoil, it occurred to me that there could be other young women going through a similar predicament.”

With this in mind, at the beginning of 2016, she formed a WhatsApp group made up of young mothers like her. It became a support and prayer group. That same year she started a blog, which she called missshy, which she later changed to Decent Conversations.

“Through my interaction with other young mothers in the group, as well as feedback from my first blog post, which was on how to deal with shame, in which I indirectly talked about my unplanned pregnancy, I gathered that there were a number of young people dying inside because they had no one talk to – they were crying out for emotional support, but there was no one in the vicinity to hear them. Many more had questions, but they didn’t know whom to address them to without being judged,” she explains.

Assured that such discussions were necessary, and because they could help her peers make informed decisions, decisions that could prevent them from making the same mistakes she had, she decided to start a bigger, more visible forum that could reach more. She approached the YMCA, who offered her space to hold the monthly forums.

NOT LIMITED TO ROMANCE

“Our discussions on relationships are not limited to romance, they cut across human interactions, be it at the workplace and other social settings. We also discuss self-love. In each forum, we have a carefully selected panel consisting of individuals who have gone through an experience related to the discussion of the day, and a psychologist in attendance in case any of those in the audience need psychological support.”

Although her forums mainly attract individuals below 40 years, there is no set age limit as she feels that such issues are not restricted to a particular age group. When the forum started, only a handful of people would attend, but a few months into it, they started attracting a large audience.

 “You can tell how successful an event is from the number of questions you receive during and after: I get many of these. Many of those who attend say that the forums not only give them an opportunity to speak their mind and share their fears, but also an opportunity to network.”

She does not make money from these meetings, a factor she does not dwell on, explaining that she draws satisfaction and fulfillment from helping those going through a difficult time find comfort, help, friendship, and above all, hope. She however plans to register an organisation which she hopes will give her a wider reach and cement her initiative further.

“Under the organisation, I will identify individuals with similar challenges and help them establish support groups. I look forward to a future where we will no longer, as young people, give in to depression and suicide.”

Tabitha, a media and PR consultant with a focus on content creation and corporate training, runs a start-up, Digital Scroll Media. She has written a book, Grieving & Healing After Loss, which will be launched today at Memorial Park in Nairobi’s CBD. The book talks about grieving and healing.

If you would like a copy, reach Tabitha on https://decentconversations.blogspot.co.ke